This week we are discussing Spare by Prince Harry, Part 3.
Content Warning!!!Before reading this book please be aware it contains contains situations and subjects related to: death, death of a parent, and harassment (media).
Spoiler Warning!!! This post is full of spoilers for Spare by Prince Harry.
Discussion:
Michaela: Hello friends and welcome to our final discussion of Spare by Prince Harry. I thought this final section was a great pick up from Part II. I take notes for these discussions and I had so so many in this section. It felt like during these years he really made himself heal, reflect, and move forward, even with so many people and family members trying to stop him.
I know there are people out there who are diametrically opposed to everything Harry says happened in this last section. And really this just shows to me that they’re part of the problem. Obviously in an autobiography literally everything is biased, but it’s also how he experienced these events. Just because you don’t like what he had to say, doesn’t mean those things did not happen. Especially, when you can easily look up every article and picture he references that invaded his and his family’s privacy and the racist attacks on Meghan. People also apparently don’t believe in his love for his wife because of how he writes about her, and I’m just going to say…I’m sorry you feel so negatively about it. Because how he views his wife is equivalent to how I feel about my own husband. If anyone here remembers A Very Potter Musical from back in the day, the character Fudge after seeing Voldemort right in front of his face says “I still don’t believe it”. I was constantly thinking of this while reading Part III, as different family member’s comments on events vehemently denied the seriousness of what was happening. And I also think of that everytime I see comments on this book that deny everything said in it. Basically, I’m saying I enjoyed this book, I do not find it hard to believe anything Harry has said, we will never know the truth of everything, I can’t imagine denying this abhorrent amount of racism and threats, and I will die on this hill. Moving on.
We started off Part III with a strong start of Harry realizing “I realized I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. A fairly staggering revelation for me just then”. This for Harry must have been an actual groundbreaking thought. Like we talked about last discussion, Harry may never have been active in his suicidal ideation but being okay with not living his still on the spectrum of suicidal ideation. Finding a reason to stay here is amazing and I am so happy for him. Also, I loved how much he wrote about Meghan’s dogs, freaking adorable! Also the beginning of their relationship starting on Diana’s 55th birthday, I mean come ooonnnnn…perfection.
Jacilyn: I agree 100% with Michaela. As we were reading about Harry begging his family to help against this assault, all I could think of was the way that Charles and the Institution as a whole did the same exact thing to Diana. I know that our version of reality truly isn’t the same as those in the royal family, but if Harry could see these issues, be impacted by these issues to his very core, why couldn’t the rest of them? That was only reinforced when Harry found Meghan sobbing, wanting to die. Reading that part made me cry, and broke my heart. I don’t think any of us can truly understand what it would be like to be in that position. I just see so much of Diana reflected in this last section of the book, and that made me feel surprisingly emotional. I can’t really put my finger on why I’m so interested in Diana. There’s just something about how complicated, compassionate, flawed, and real she was in the shadow of the monarchy. There’s such a huge contrast between her and the Institution, and I see that reflected in Harry and Meg.
I’m also a sucker for a good romance. I love love, what can I say? Meghan and Harry’s story is beautiful, and you can just feel the love they have for each other flowing off the pages. The last line, before the epilogue, from Meg’s journal - “That was everything. That was a man. That is not a Spare.” made me cry, full tears streaming down my face. I really do think Diana would have adored Meghan.
Michaela: I teared up during parts of this book so much more than I ever would have expected. I love learning about Diana, so hearing Harry’s experience in relation to her and the parallels of his experience and his mother’s is fascinating. I think monarchy and those living in it will always be a fascination to people no matter if they hate it, support it, or feel neutral about it. A monarch family is so far past what normal people experience every day that I don’t think we can help but want to know more, especially when they hold themselves so far above the rest of us. Even Harry, being born into this attitude, found himself questioning why they are like this, why does it have to be this way. Even a life of privileges can come with struggles, and that makes them even more interesting because it’s that “they’re like me” situation that draws people in. While the media/paparazzi were a big part of the problem in Harry’s experiences, the monarchy itself has made themselves be mysterious, fantastical, and alluring for as long as there has been a monarchy. Without respect and interest they have nothing, so they have to keep all this stuff up to survive. They have moved forward with modern times, particularly Queen Elizabeth II did a lot to make the monarchy involved with the public by involving media in her coronation, the weddings, and interacting with “regular” people more and more. But the family itself, from what we’ve learned from Harry and Diana, might reach the point where they cannot survive themselves let alone keep the monarchy alive. If they were actually this close family unit they claim to be, they might actually be able to keep a healthy relationship with the press and keep the monarchy relevant but they do not possess the skills to be a real family. The family will always be overshadowed by the facade.
We get a lot of examples of this in this last section. The amount of times Harry talks about himself and even William discovering that a confidential family discussion was leaked to the press, is insane. And it all tends to lead back to Charles and Camilla. Harry said it best, ”…what he [Pa] really couldn’t stomach was someone new dominating the monarchy, grabbing the limelight, someone shiny and new coming in and overshadowing him. And Camilla.” We have parties in this family who cannot stand being put to the side for two seconds to let another one shine. Even William could not stand not getting his way. William hated that Harry didn’t ask him about proposing to Meg even though Harry only had to ask the Queen. William hated that Harry could keep his beard for the wedding. At one point Harry talks about getting into a physical altercation with William over honestly years worth of William’s jealousy, in my opinion. And if you do have feelings about anything that happens in this family, they say they want you to get therapy but then send you to a therapist who just wants to give you meds instead of working through anything. Same thing that happened to Diana, they tried to do to Harry with his PTSD. It’s astounding.
Jacilyn: Somehow the fact that different parts of the family go behind each other’s backs and leak either lies or truths to the press surprised the hell out of me. Even with all I know of Diana’s experiences, that just felt so grotesque and cruel to me. It feels like a whole lot of gaslighting, honestly.
I do wish that there was more differentiation between real journalists and those who print lies and harass. I suppose that from Harry’s perspective, it might be hard to distinguish between the two. There are some journalists that have done a ton of good for the world, in exposing crooks or bringing awareness to some of the same things that Harry cares about so much.
Michaela: I feel like Harry has had such little interaction with journalists who are on the better side of journalism. Harry most likely has almost exclusive experience with tabloid press instead of what we’d think of as journalism. Even those who interviewed him about his service immediately made him the bad guy for being a soldier essentially and also only wanted to know if he was jealous of a newborn baby being higher up in the line of succession than him.
What really surprised me in this section was just how eerie Meghan’s experiences with the press were, and Kate as well for that matter. Kate had semi nude photos sold of her which is just disgusting. And I appreciate that Harry mentions William’s relationship with the press is also rocking because William refuses to parade his family out for them, he’s doing one thing right at least. But the amount of car + press related incidents Harry and Meghan had to deal with was creepily similar to Diana. At one point Meghan is followed home by 5 or more paparazzi, years later Harry and his family have to move almost every few months because the paparazzi find their address and start taking photos through the windows of their home. I almost have no words to describe how horrible that all is. Who wants these images? I love learning about the royals but I have never ever wanted photos of their private moments or of them in a vulnerable state.
Harry finally starts to get the therapy he needed all along after having a moment with Meghan in which he yells at her. Meghan tells Harry she will not be talked to in that way and Harry seeks help, finally. Kudos to that therapist for helping Harry first of all realizing he never healed from what happened in 1997 and that part of him was still stuck there. He also started to remember more about his mother, the good and the bad. When Harry said he could finally remember Diana’s laugh…oh my god cue the waterfall. I can’t imagine forgetting my family’s laughs, it's one of my favorite things. But with the good came memories of “how she could sometimes over-mother, then disappear for stretches. It seemed an important discussion, but also disloyal.” Then beyond that even was a memory of his experience with his mother and how she was hounded by the press, just as Meghan and he were going through; “Trembling, pink-cheeked, she got back into the car, slammed the door, rolled up the windows, leaned her head on the steering wheel and wept while the paps kept clicking and clicking.” No matter what they could never escape the fishbowl of life that was being part of that family.
And no one would help them, no one would even listen. It seemed like the Queen did want to help but other powers were keeping her from doing so, Harry called them the Bee and the Wasp. The monarchy only has so much power and the government makes a lot of decisions that they are not allowed to comment on that really interfered here. When Harry, while talking to the Queen about getting some help asked her “Is he in the room with you, Granny? No answer.”, that gave me chills almost. How awful to have every family decision be intercepted, interpreted, and spat out by another entity. No wonder they don’t know how to be a supportive family, they’ve created an environment where they don’t even have the chance to try.
Jacilyn: It seemed like Harry and the Queen actually had as close of a relationship as one can in that situation, with those standards. It seemed like she actually really liked Meghan, and was happy that Harry was happy. I know that this was something that the tabloids really tried to spin, the relationship between Meghan and the Queen. I thought the epilogue about her passing was beautiful and sad all at once.
One thing I never really thought of was the financial impact of Harry and Meg “stepping down.” Meghan obviously had success as an actress, but she wasn’t exactly a millionaire. Even if they downsized entirely, the amount of security they need would require a lot of money. In fact, that’s another thing that shocked me - the Institution was totally okay letting them off on their own. Was the goal to strong arm Harry into coming back?? Or was it just a complete and total lack of regard for their safety? Either way, it’s awful to just cut them off the way they did.
Michaela: The straight up disregard of their safety was horrendous. Harry was willing to stay in a working position despite their lack of respect for him and his wife, and despite their lack of defense when the press is not only attacking Harry, Meghan, but also Meghan’s mother an calling her names. As well as convincing Meghan’s father into selling information about them. After all of that, the Institution essentially kicked them to the curb and said ‘good luck’. Harry really had no basis of how to exist outside the family, he said “there’s a big difference between being a sponge and being prohibited from learning independence.” And with a growing family at the same time, I can’t imagine the pressure, the anxiety, and the freedom hitting all at once.
I appreciated that Harry talked about seeing William and Charles again after everything happened and sharing how he felt differently about his family. William trying to convince Harry that he cared, “Harold, you must listen to me! I just want you to be happy, Harold. I swear…I swear on Mummy’s life. He stopped. I stopped. Pa stopped. He’d gone there….I really don’t think you do.” Losing faith in your brother’s love for you would be one of the worst feelings to experience. I’m sure Harry left out a million things from his story but the things he did choose to share, like this moment, hit really hard. After everything and then this discussion with his brother and father I think Harry finally accepts it all. He says, “Enough death—enough. When is someone in the family going to break free and live?” And I think that’s exactly what he did even before this moment. He was constantly searching for a partner. After finding Meghan, he fought his family for her safety, he learned to heal, he grew his own family unit, he became his own person. My favorite moment from this entire book was one Jac already mentioned, Harry assisted in the birth of their daughter and Meghan said she had never loved him as much as she did in that moment “That is a man. That is not a Spare.”
Diana had to release her story in secret to feel some kind of freedom from the pressure, the abuse, and the harassment. Harry, over 20 years later, got his own story out there publicly, on his own terms, and for the similar reasons to his mother’s. I very much enjoyed getting his perspective on things and I hope it brings light to or even change to this incredibly broken relationship between family, press, and monarchy. In the acknowledgments Harry says, “And to you, the reader: Thank you for wanting to know my story in my words. I am so grateful to be able to share it thus far.” Being able to share your own story can be the most freeing thing you can ever do, no matter if its to one person or millions.
What an experience this book has been. I think we learned a lot of new things and we got to revisit parts of a previous book we read here at Shelf Explored but from a new perspective. The power of books! Until next time friends!
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